LOS GATOS, CA—In a statement confirming the 46th president of the United States would not be providing it with so much as a voice-over, let alone an onscreen appearance, Netflix announced Monday there was no way in hell it would give President Joe Biden a five-episode nature special after he left office. “You’re out of your mind if you think we’re letting a meandering, half-coherent speaker like that anywhere near a docuseries on humpback whales or the rain forest or anything else,” said Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos, who explained that while not signing any deal of any kind with the president was a sound business strategy, the decision arose more from the conviction that no endangered species on the planet deserved to have Biden as a spokesperson. “Seriously, just think of that guy’s voice for a second and then try to imagine him delivering an inspirational narration about the majesty of the natural world. It’s impossible. After a half century of Beltway glad-handing, he can’t do anything else.” Sarandos went on to confirm, however, that Netflix had green-lighted 10 seasons of a scripted dramatic series in which each episode would be based on some trite bullshit Biden remembers his dad telling him.